Thursday, November 18, 2004

Is this love that I'm feeling?

A lot of couples that engage in Public Displays of affection are not expressing their lovefor each other. In my expert opinion they are trying to convince each other of their love by saying, or rather shouting to everyone around, “ Hey, look at us swap DNA. We love each other so much.”

There are some public displays of affection that are acceptable. Holding hands, putting an arm around a loved one at a movie, or giving a hug at an airport, all of these, along with others are acceptable forms of public affection. But love, and the expression of it, goes far beyond physical interaction. Love manifests itself in many other ways.

An unfortunate thing is that in English one word describes this multifaceted thing that called love. In ancient Greece there were three words that were used to express love. They were Eros, this is erotic or passionate love that drives a couple to sexual activity, Agape, the kind of love that exists between parents and children, and Philia, the kind of brotherly or plutonic love that can exist between both men and women. But all of these are taken and lumped into one word, love.

Frankly, couples that are passionately kissing are playing with fire, they are running with scissors, they are walking a tight rope straddling two pools, one is full of hungry great white sharks, and the other is full of Jelly Belly jelly beans, and many other clichés that we could use in our discussion about passionately kissing.

I consider myself an observer of life. My hope is that through my observations of others actions that I can learn something that will make me a better person and that I will not fall into the same traps as they have. On more then one occasion, close friends have come to me, prior to their wedding, and have said that they wished that they had not used physical means to express their love. The best thing to do is to save these signs of affection until we have been properly pronounced man and wife.

12 Comments:

At 11/18/2004 04:24:00 PM,

The greeks have 4 types of love, you just missed one...

storge, which is the parental nurturing one...
agape, is the idealistic love, in some religious literature it is used to describe God's love... 

Posted by aditya liviandi

 
At 11/18/2004 06:02:00 PM,

I agree that there is much danger in expressing your affection mostly physically. It can dominate the whole focus of your relationship and drag it in the wrong direction. It puts a disguise on relationships that won't go the distance when it misleads two people who really don't have enough in common that they really do share something special.

It's a very difficult thing to control though, especially now when our hormones are raging and when the chemistry is strong. Not only does it take self-restraint, it requires actually being AWARE that you need self-restraint. It's so easy to get lost in la-la land when you have somebody.

However, the issue of PDA and the expression of love or desire between lovers are two separate issues. PDA is mostly about public and socially accepted behavior. I am not as worred about affection displayed in public as I am concerned about what couples are doing where we can't see them. 

Posted by Faye

 
At 11/18/2004 09:30:00 PM,

Like the dude said at the devotional, true love is waiting until you're married to "go the distance". It takes commitment and control to do that, and only if you're able to do that do you know that you're in love. To me love means wanting to help another person to be better or to want to be better because of another person and some PDA's and most non-PDA's don't reflect that.

And Stuff,
~Vasu~ 

Posted by Vasu "Blink" Chetty aka Sydney

 
At 11/18/2004 11:23:00 PM,

Thank-you Aditya for the correction. I will keep that in mind for the future. 

Posted by Rusch

 
At 11/18/2004 11:34:00 PM,

As I was reading this blog thread, I couldn't help but to think of all the wonderful romance movies that I have watched in my life time. PDA seems as glamorous as Hollywood movie screens. I'm sure it feels great to be starring in your own little movie of PDA, but PDA can be as transparent to reality as fiction.

I've seen a lot of PDA before I came to BYUH and it never fazed me. However, my second semester here, a female friend of mine was in the GCB hallway getting some serious lip action from her boyfriend right outside of the class that we were about to have together. This was my first and, to this day, my last experience of PDA in BYUH. I'm not sure if it’s the environment that I find myself in that has changed me, but whatever it was, I suddenly resented it and jokingly told them to get a room!

I'm still friends with that girl but they are not together anymore. I find it deeply ironic that two people who could display so much affection for each other in front of many people could just end up separated. It's funny how their display which demands so much attention from a captive audience now haunts my mind with resent each time I think of her and her former boyfriend.

I'm sure that if they knew back then what they know today, they probably wouldn't have bothered with the whole PDA thing or maybe even the relationship. I think of my friend as a totally cool and normal person, but I still resent that concept of PDA in the past as much as I resent failing an exam in the testing center. Just to be clear, I do not resent it as a flaw in my friend; I resent it as a bad situation that could have been avoided. Had I not seen the PDA, I wouldn't care if she had broken up with him. The thought just wouldn't faze me at all.

 

Posted by Elton "Hawaiian Cow"

 
At 11/19/2004 08:04:00 AM,

OK, about PDA; guilty.

I never gave it much thought because I never had a problem with it. When I had the chance to do it, i guess I did, but I never thought of it as PDA at first becuase I was in my own world and didn't notice the outside world. Hey, it's enthrawling to be in your own world with that girl and you really don't notice people walking around. Since my first girlfriend, however, I have been a bit more cautious about it and do notice myself being more concearned about others in earshot of lip smacks. 

Posted by Jared

 
At 11/19/2004 10:53:00 AM,

PDA is a skewed subject. To those who have never PDA'd before or are bitter because their PDA buddy is no longer, PDA is a disgusting display; but to those who have PDA at their finger tips available to them, it is just another pass between Hales 3 and 5. As a past PDAer, I think that it is something that must be discerned in the company that you are in. Almost always acceptable PDA's are hand holding, the arm around and the disgusting gazing into one anothers eyes. But the smacking of lips in public should only be done if you are in a crowd of total strangers who you don't care what they think (not recomended in a religious setting) or the occasional peck on the lips in a group of close friends that know the couple and accept their coupliness. Otherwise DA should be saved for non P situations cuz nobody wants to see that unless their as stupidly happy as the people getting some. 

Posted by Becky (formerly known as a BYUH student)

 
At 11/19/2004 08:22:00 PM,

Amen Becky!
A kiss goodnight, a hug, holding hands is all fine and good. but anything exceeding a minute is more than i care to see.
 

Posted by Erika

 
At 11/19/2004 08:49:00 PM,

By the way, Erika, you know whenever we talked about people not liking PDA being bitter, we were *cough* thinking about you.

I was kidding. Don't take that the wrong way.

Seriously though, I've noticed that I tend to despise what I can't have. Some days, I find myself wishing everyone was miserable. I was also uncomfortable with PDA - even the slightest kind - before I had gotten any affection.

Still, you're right, there's no excuse for PDA. I have been guilty of it, but like Jared said, it's not been done on purpose (most of the time, although it's always fun to gross people you know out and make them uncomfortable) when you're completely engrossed with each other, people around you disappear. It's not that they mean to show off or make you sick watching. It simply that they are in la-la land. Sometimes, all they need is a friendly reminder.  

Posted by Faye

 
At 11/20/2004 11:20:00 AM,

I think my comment at Fei's post on similar topic also applies here.

Rusch, thanks for your perspective on this subject. You must have seen more than most of these bloggers.

"Playing with fire", "Running with scissors", "walking on tight rope" I couldn't agree with you more! The pictures you paint with your words are so accurate.

Recently, I was shocked to find out from a friend who loves fishing that a tiny FAKED lure could even catch a 30 pound trout. So everyone...look clearly before you bite, I mean kiss, you might be just as smart as the fish. School is a place to expand your mind not to blow it with smacking.

Just a friendly reminder =)

 

Posted by mom

 
At 11/21/2004 12:21:00 PM,

Mom, thats a lovely metaphor with a good hint of warning.

As for everyone else, pardon me for being a bit confused, but I guess I should have asked for a clarification on the definition of PDA. To me, I always thought of PDA as a bad thing and I always thought of it as kissing and such. I never really considered hugging and holding hands as a form of PDA.

Now that some people in this blog thread have considered hugging and holding hands as PDA, I have become a hypocrite by resenting PDA.

So, I propose a mutual definition of PDA:
PDA includes:
- gazing in to each others eyes
- holding hands
- hugging
- kissing
- tongue
(a descending list from a lower degree of PDA to a higher degree of PDA).

I personally just resent the last two. I think the reason I resent it is because of the current environment.

However, I would like to add a funny note to the environment that we find ourselves in.

"Fresh off the boat Return Missionaries"
I have seen guys in this situation shy away from girls getting ready to hug them. I am not a return missionary so I can't say why this happens, but I have noticed it many times and laugh each time I see it. Perhaps they find it as a high level PDA?

I don't know, I just think hugging is the highest acceptable PDA in this environment.

I think another aspect to consider about PDA that includes our environment would be the culture shock experience.

The same girls I used to hang with before I came to BYUH have not changed at all. However, after being at BYUH for the past two years, I have noticed some of my non-member friends being very out of standards. For the strangest reasons, I suddenly started to resent the idea.

Hmmm... is the BYUH environment and honor code brain washing me and widening the gap between me and my non member friends and higher level PDA's?

What do YOU think? 

Posted by Elton "Hawaiian Cow"

 
At 11/21/2004 07:41:00 PM,

i believe that lovers should be tied together and
thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
left there to drown
in their innocence
i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and layed entwined together on a bed of clover
and left there to sleep
left there to dream of their happiness
 

Posted by JudgeWhetten

 

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