Peaches, Plums, and/or Alfalfa?

Kissing: To engage in mutual touching or caressing with the lips as an expression of affection, greeting, respect, or amorousness.

Synonyms for "kiss": blow, brush, buss, butterfly, buzz, caress, eat face, glance, graze, greet, lip, make out, mouth-to-mouth, mush, muzzle, neck, osculate, peck, pet, pucker up, salute, shave, skim, smack, smash, smooch, spark, sugar, swap spit, touch, X

When was the last time you kissed somebody, I mean really kissed somebody? And no, stage kisses don't count - unless you enjoyed it. ; ) For some of us it was this morning, for others, last night, last week, last month, last year... and then there are those who have never had the privelege. Either way, the general consensus is that kissing is a desirable thing.

Being in college, getting exposed to it is inevitable. Having to watch other couples "osculate" (and then some) might make you uncomfortable, but deep inside, we all wish it was us instead. I really think that those of our age group who have a serious issue against PDA (Public Displays of Affection) are just bitter because they're not getting any. But we'll save that discussion for another blog.

We are also not unfamiliar (did I confuse you with my double negative?) with the cousel our church leaders have for us regarding this social accepted and appropriate practice of ours.

"Do not participate in passionate kissing" (For The Strength Of Youth)

"A kiss is an evidence of affection. A kiss is an evidence of love, not an evidence of lust... but it can be. Don't ever let a kiss in your courtship spell lust. Necking and petting are lustful; they are not love... I don't mind [you] kissing each other after you have had several dates; ... not the kiss of passion, but the kiss of affection." (Spencer W. Kimball, address to missionaries, 2 Jan. 1959).

"Kissing has... degenerated to develop and express lust instead of affection, honor, and admiration. To kiss in casual dating is asking for trouble. What do kisses mean when given out like pretzels and robbed of sacredness?" Spencer W. Kimball.

"What is miscalled the soul kiss is an abomination and stirs passion that results in the eventual loss of virtue. Even if timely courtship justifies a kiss, it should be a clean, decent, sexless one... If the soul kiss with its passion were eliminated from dating, there would be an immediate upswing in chastity and honor, with fewer illegitimate babies, fewer unwed mothers, fewer forced marriages, and fewer unhappy souls. With the absence of the soul kiss, necking would be greatly reduced. Its younger sister, petting, would be totally eliminated. Both are abominations of their own right and kind." (In Conference Report, Sydney Australia Area Conference, 29 Feb. 1976, p. 55.)

Having grown up in a Muslim country where kissing is only now becoming socially acceptable (you barely ever kiss and tell- this whole blog right here would be a HUGE controversy!) and raised in a rather sheltered environment, I had no qualms whatsoever with the counsel of our leaders in regards to kissing.

"Well, duh, kissing is obviously so EVIL - why would you want to do that with your boyfriend? Holding hands with him will be more than enough."

I was absolutely certain that I would not kiss a guy unless he was the one I planned to marry. Also at the time, couples attached by the hip in public and who just couldn't let go of each other were objects of ridicule to me. Of course, at that point, I had never had a boyfriend before and wouldn't have my first one till I was here at BYU-Hawaii. Those of you who have known me while I was seeing somebody understand completely the humor and irony in this. I have been labeled as "the-girl-who-just-can't-keep-her-hands-off-her-guy". Kissing in public? Hey, it's only PDA if you're looking!

Do I enjoy kissing? Yes, absolutely. Do I feel guilty for it? Why, should I?

Remember my "goal" of not kissing a guy unless we were planning to be wed? Well, I've kissed 3 guys and I am still single. 3 is still very small number so in some ways I have done an alirght job saving myself in that department (although it doesn't accurately represent just HOW MUCH I have kissed!) I've had 4 boyfriends, so I did good with one of them, at least: my first one. He felt the same way I did and while we still kissed, it was never mouth-to-mouth. Go figure. I think that the only reason we didn't is because we didn't date long enough to succumb to physical attraction.

My first kiss was with a non-member a whole 6 years older than me. He and I had "dated" online for a good year and a half before we met up here in Hawaii. I was 18 at the time. It was a very romantic first kiss - I have it all stored in my head as you would see it in a chick flick: the airport meeting scene. Two lovers approaching each other, wordlessly, a pause, recognition, smiling and disbelief, breathless whispering of names, then a release into this long passionate uniting, and while the cameras whirl around us, we kiss, oblivious to the crowds walking by. Yeah. That was pretty much it. *sigh*

I've always heard people saying how the first kiss is usually awkward and not as romantic as you planned. I've also heard the same thing being said about the wedding night. Uh-uh, not true for me! There expect there to be none during the consumating of my marriage either. There will be no stigma, just lots of... Han, you really shouldn't be reading this blog.

Because I had finally been kissed, I finally experienced the enjoyment, began to miss it and it was easy to cave in to the request to be kissed on a first date with someone else 2 months later - something I had vowed against before. To be fair, we already knew each other fairly well, but had previously only "hung out" and that was the official first date.

This experience here, raises up the 2 issues I have been meaning to discuss.


Mormon Kissing: Church Tongue, Porno Tongue - oh, how about none at all?

My first kiss was with a non-member, my second kiss was with a member. I did not know what was appropriate in "Mormon Dating Culture". I let this second kiss take the lead and till today, it's still an argument if he brought in the tongue first or if I did. I swears he did. He swears it was me. Whatever it was, our first kissed determined the way we would kiss from then on.

We have been warned against kissing passionately. So, is tongue a serious no-no? One of the things that came up on our first date kiss, also, was WHEN DO WE STOP?! I had thought that when he wanted to kiss me that it would be like more of a plum (open mouthed, no tongue, lasting for just a second). Well, think of church tongue vs. porno tongue, minus the tongue part. It was what I had imagined proper Mormon kissing would be. Apparently he had other things in mind. I wasn't unfamiliar with that, so I played along.

Till today, I am still unsure of what "approriate Mormon kising" is exactly. Probably because nobody here ever practices it. Everybody seems to have their own opinions, and you just don't sit down to talk about how you would kiss before you do.

It's a very hard thing to control on your own. You may have a set idea of what you'd want to do, or not to do, but the person you are dating/kissing has alot to contribute to the do's and don'ts in your relationship/make-out session. Even though we are all of the same religion, there are still many little things we do differently. Add sexual attraction on top of all that and all you have is a whole confused bunch of [insert better word for horny here] college students.


Dating Who You Kiss and Kissing Who You'd Date.

That's taken a step down from marrying who you kiss and kissing who you'll marry, because, well, I have to lower my standards to justify my own actions, or I would never be able to live with myself...

They both go hand in hand to me. Dating and kissing, and yes, even marriage. In a way, I would love to save kissing for the one I'm going to marry. But I've failed to, thus far. I intend to try again, but I am not determined enough to promise that I won't kiss a guy I was interested in having a relationship with if the opportunity came up, even though I wans't sure that he was "the one". Remember: ex-Molly Mormon. Not a saint.

I have always been against NCMOs (non-commital make-out sessions - Mormon one-night stands, basically) and when I first heard of them I wouldn't believe that people here would actually do such a thing! "Who would do a stupid thing like that?" Imagine my horror when I found out that some of my own friends played spin the bottle here, recently, ON A SUNDAY!

I don't want to judge people who don't see kissing to mean much more than a physical act. Just because I take it very seriously, doesn't mean other people have to as well, right? Even though I want to scream "BURN IN HELL!", I really have to rethink my strategy. When I find out that someone is involved with something like that, I lose a little (ok, so maybe alot of) respect for them. Right now, I have to find a way to adjust that because too many people I know are disappointing me. Do I have to adjust my views just so I have room for my friends to belong?

Really though, I think that I am envious of their ability to separate the physical from the emotional. I know that I am incapable of doing that. That's why I vow to stay away. But like all my other previous "vows", I am not above being tempted to kiss someone just for the sake of being kissed.

Because I want every kiss I give to mean something, I have gotten into 2 relationships because I kissed them. It has become the norm for me, that kissing initiates relationships. It used to be to me that holding hands intiated relationships, and the kissing was additional later. To my second kiss though, a kiss was just a kiss - holding hands was special. That really confused me.

I think that at this point in my life, kissing and holding hands have been used interchangably. The way I look at it is that both are exclusive activities to me. I don't kiss multiple guys at a time. I don't hold hands with more than one guy at a time either and I expect the same from him (with guys and girls alike. He better not be kissing other guys while he kisses me!) That's why we have to be so careful who we kiss - you never know what exactly it meant to one another and you may be tied into relationships or problems you weren't really ready for or desiring at the moment.

Lowell L. Bennion (LDS) pointed out very wisely:

"Kissing is more stimulating than satisfying; consequently, it invites more and more. Once a couple begins to share affection in a kissing... or in other words, a physical...way, this activity tends to become the focus of interest. Often such a couple ceases to explore the other significant dimensions of personality: mind, character, maturity, religious faith, moral values, and goals.

Affection should grow out of genuine friendship and brotherly love, not precede them, if one wishes to be sure of having real and lasting love in marriage. Kissing for the sake of kissing invites more affection, and many fine young people become more deeply involved than they actually wish to be.

As a guiding principle, I suggest that affection, whether holding hands, walking arm in arm, or kissing, between a young man and woman be consistent in degree and character with the nature of their total relationship. Affection should never be sought after as an end in itself, because this does violence to a person. Let affection grow and flower gradually, as do buds, blossoms, and the fruit of a tree. Let it be a part of a larger, naturally developing relationship that has its roots in a rich companionship of the mind, character, and faith. When and if kissing comes into a relationship is dependent upon the nature and intent of that relationship.

It really gets to me that whenever our church leaders bring up kissing, it's always "passionate kissing". The words lust, necking, petting and then fornication follow soon after. Those are on the opposite end of the spectrum from pure love, affection, chastity and eternal marriage.

As much as I dislike how all these words are always associated with each other, I can't deny the fact that something we enjoy doing and do for fun do have eternal consequences, so we need to be careful with who, when, where and how we kiss.

Sheesh. All this talk about kissing only makes me miss it more. Forget getting married to have sex, I might just have to get engaged in order to get some lip action.

My gratitude goes to Hershey's for easing the abstinence process. Makes me wonder if the French chocolate is any better...

p.s. For those of us not planning to go to Fall ball, the Guest Services department of the Polynesian Cultural Center is holding a 2-night camp-out at Malaekahana Beach Park and we have been encouraged to invite our friends. One of the suggested games was spin the bottle. If you get me high enough on lack of sleep, I just might end up playing. Pick up will be by the little theatre from 7-8pm. See you there!