Dating Vs. Hanging Out.

Lately, this has been a pet issue among many leaders of the Church. During our last stake conference in March, Pres. Pierce of the BYUH 1st Stake admonished the men and told them to start dating. In response to a national study in which many women complained about the lack of a "dating culture", the Department of Sociology at BYU sent out survey on the subject to students in all the church schools, and of course, Elder Oaks, in the recent CES addressed dedicated a good part of his talk to addressing the "demise of dating" and the increased prominence of "hanging out".

I think that we are all familiar enough with this to know exactly what they mean. It has been mostly the women who have been complaining about this trend. It's interesting that in our increasingly feministic society that we still expect the men to take the lead.

In my opinion, our religious leaders are so concerned with the issue simply because the lack of formal dating serves as an easy scapegoat for the change in marriage culture. Both Elder Oaks and Elder Nelson voiced concern about the change in numbers in their talks.

Elder Nelson in the CES broadcast of February used the example of the declining proportion of mature adults who are married, decreasing birth rates and the increase of the age at which couples get married as well as the growing numbers of unmarried couples as signs of Satan's attack on the family. He mentioned the pervasion and perniciousness of immorality and pornography right after, categorizing everything under "spiritual sickness".

Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed both talks (note tongue in cheek), but I don't completely agree with the basis of their concerns because I feel that later marriages are the result of the increased emphasis placed on secular education, which, could also be interpreted as the side effects of a world turning to materialism. However people used to get married at 14-16, and as times change, the norm has also increased. I don't see the same degree of gravity in the situation because I feel it far worse for an individual to be married too early than too late. Of course, I'm not a prophet so I lack the foresight/insight to completely understand.

In any case, whether or not I agree with their cause for concern is irrelevant. The matter I wish to address here is the particular interest our leaders have taken in the dating culture.

I feel that while dating trends certainly have evolved, they have little effect on the statistics of "hooking up" and eventual marriage. In fact, I question the assumption that dating is more effective in the development of romantic relationships than the culture of "hanging out".

I'm not sure if I am the only one confused at some of the contradictory statements that have been made concerning "hanging out". I remember reading an article or two in the New Era, back in my pre-dating days, warning youth against letting their guard down when they are simply "hanging out".

In the Q&A section of the April 2002 issue, they discussed the dangers of pairing off (at a young age) while hanging out in groups. Contrast that to the accusation we receive from our leaders for hanging out too much that we are not pairing off and getting married and starting to churn out babies.

On the one hand, we are shown that pairing off happens easily within a group of young people, on the other hand, they are worried that it does not happen enough.

As young college students at BYU-Hawaii, we have plenty of opportunities to observe our own social practices. We do our fair share of hanging out with the sporadic group date, passing the test of the 3 Ps: Planned ahead, Paid for and Paired off. The end product is some mutated form of hanging out that has added formality, restrictions, and less money for the poor guy.

Once, on a group date, we tried so hard to keep things properly paired off, but kept getting invaded by other members of the social group (who proably had no idea that we were on a date) and eventually had to verbally officiate the end of the date so we could transition into "hanging out mode" and save my date the obligation of entertaining me and ignoring the other date-less women in the group. So much uneccessary formality.

Here's what Elder Oaks said about dating:

"Simple, more frequent dates allow men and women to shop around in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation, it allowed you to see how you treat others and how you're treated in a one on one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature realtionship. None of that happens in hanging out."

The claim here is that hanging out does not facilitate, as dating does:

1. extensive evaluation of prospects.
2. getting acquainted with a member of the opposite sex.
3. encouraging conversation.
4. observing how you treat each other in one on one situations.
5. learning how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship.

I, of course, disagree with the claim and find formal dating for too superficial and restrictive to be effective in that manner. In a group situation, we are free to communicate with anyone in the group we feel most comfortable with. This process of natural selection saves time and money. Instead of having to go on 7 different dates with 7 different guys to get to know them, why not talk to all 7 of them in one evening? Or in a series of group activities. That encourages conversation 7-fold and if you find one person absolutely boring, you won't be obligated into staying with him till the date is over. Perhaps this lack of comitment is what Elder Oaks is worried about, but is such commitment necessary at this stage?

Having more than one member of the opposite gender present could even be more conducive to evaluating prospects. It is good to be able to contrast them against each other. Also, while it is important to understand how you treat each other one-on-one, and he does have a point in mentioning that marriage is not a group activity, how we treat others will be very much like the way we will eventually treat our significant other. I should think it much more practical to observe someone in a situation where they are comfortable enough to be themselves.

I am inclined to think that formal dating is not required to get to know someone in a one on one setting. Phonecalls from one dorm room to another will serve the purpose. And are free.

But how do people "hook up" if all they do is hang out? That's obvious to me. What I don't know is how people hook up if all they do is go on formal dates! In trying to get to know someone, my tactic is to invite them to come "hang out" with my friends and I. Simple, no pressure. Great way to integrate each other into your social groups, something essential in greasing relationships. If, from hanging out you decide that you like what you see, then you can use a formal 1-on-1 date to let the person know you're interested. If not, I maintain that phone calls are wonderful tools.

So I am not for erradicating dating in the least, but I wonder, if we go on date with increased frequency, dating will lose its significance. How, then, will you show this guy/girl that you are actually interested in pursuing more?

I am ignorant in this matter because my relatioships have evolved from either hanging out, or the internet. Both of which Elder Oaks used as examples of poor replacements for dating. Whoah. I should write him a letter or something.

In my opinion, the complaints we make about the lack of formal dating has less to do with the fact that we consider it essentially preliminary to marriage (because I believe it happens whether or not you started by going on formal dates) but has more to do with the need for attention. Being asked out is flattering and validates our appeal to those of the opposite sex.

I really doubt that there will be a dramatic increase in the number of marriages if we ressurrect this dating culture. Those who find themselves in a relationship leading to marriage would probably have done so in a hanging out situation anyway.

Perhaps more than attacking the structure of our social lives, attention needs to be paid to working this change to our advantage, and we need to find ways to encourage wholesome group activities which will facilitate "hooking up".

And for those women who feel inclined to blame the lack of dating (or the death of chivalry, for that matter) as the reason why they are still single, perhaps they should heed Elder Oak's counsel to start preparing a life for themselves, even a single life, instead of waiting on a marriage prospect.